Two Urinal Tango
Etiquette for a Pair of Urinals
One urinal was easy. No tough decisions there. Two urinals, well, it’s a whole different world. With luck, they will both be empty. In this case, choose the appropriate urinal based on proximity to walls and other forms of shielding, and preferably as far away as possible from large sources of microwaves and free radicals.
Chances are though, that with two urinals one of them will be occupied. In this case under no circumstances should you proceed to the urinal. I repeat: DO NOT PROCEED. To proceed is to pee in one urinal adjoining another which is also occupied. This is the cardinal sin of urinal etiquette. Never pee beside someone. Instead, it is best to busy one’s self with activites mentioned under the Ideal Situation, with the possible exception of moonwalking, for which breakdancing should be substituted.
A question which becomes increasingly pressing at this point is the option of the stall. If the need is urgent (and it may well be), the stall may be considered. However, it is of utmost importance to make it appear as if the stall was the destination all along. This is why planning is necessary. If there is potential urination in the near future, one should always take these easy steps:
- Scout out the bathroom: Urinal number and location
- Map out a secondary stall acess route
- Practice casual-seeming scouting of urinal area
- Limber up for extensive periods of breakdancing
Planning is not all it takes though. Once in the stall, standing is no longer an option. To stand is to admit to all who peek for feet that you never had any intention of using a stall, but rather that your efforts at finding a suitable urinal were unfruitful. Sit and pee, and if at all possible, stay for an amount of time equal to that which you would normally take if the stall had been the appropriate initial choice, once again to suggest that you are not simply peeing in a stall. However, here we delve into the realm of stall etiquette, which is an entirely different field.
