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Public toilet seats are pretty gross. Even if they are clean and dry, they’re still the place where that hairy guy (or girl) just planted their naked butt, and now you’re expected to follow suit. If you’re anything like me, you probably want to place at least a small barrier between yourself and the seat, either in the form of one of those seat covers or a few well-placed pieces of toilet paper.

I’ll confess: I am 100% a toilet paper covering guy. Even when those seat covers are available, I never use them. I don’t have a good reason, so I’m simply going to blame force of habit. Anyways, the dedicated seat covers have one distinct advantage, and that is that they have a little tab which dangles in the water and whisks the seat cover away when you flush. Random strands of toilet paper on the other hand need to be herded into the toilet pre-flush.

So I was a little disappointed the other day when I entered a stall only to find the seat covered in TP. Now while it’s theoretically possible that some good samaritan had merely pre-papered the seat for the next user, I’d bet anything this was just some selfish lazy cretin who didn’t bother removing the paper they had just sat on.

Not cool. Once you’re done with that paper, get it in the bowl and flush it down.

I recently had the pleasure of going aboard the USS Midway (Wikipedia), an aircraft carrier currently serving as a museum ship in San Diego. Aside from being a generally super-cool museum, the Midway contains something that you will not be surprised was of interest to me: bathrooms.

I managed to capture this picture of what I believe to be the bathroom for some junior officers – please don’t mind the “artistic” angle, I had to reach over and around a sheet of plexiglass to make the shot. Overall, some fairly nice facilities for a boat not designed with luxury in mind.

Fantastic ICBE reader Andy went one step further, procuring two shots of the bathroom in the Midway’s brig.

Click for larger

Click for larger

While I certainly expected a step down in the accommodations, I didn’t expect you’d have to actually stand in the toilet to use the sink. Ouch!

There isn’t much at the intersection of religion and bathroom etiquette. All this could change however, as the ICBE adopts its new patron saint. Forwarded by intrepid reader wridge, I present to you a Marian devotion of the Virgin Mary – Patron Saint of Electricity and Fountains:

Picture taken at Catedral Basílica de Barcelona

In the absence of a patron saint devoted specifically to toilets or bathrooms, this seems like the next best thing!

Here at the ICBE, we generally restrict ourselves to terrestrial bathroom etiquette for the simple reason that not a lot of people poop in space, and nobody has yet proven the existence of pooping aliens.

Still, every once in awhile it’s nice to think about the needs of astronauts, who occasionally are going to need to bust out a Zero G poop. If you’ve ever wondered how it’s done, here’s your answer:

via mhh5th

We have seen some awesome toilet signs here at the ICBE, but this most recent one is perhaps the most spectacular yet.

Blown away? I thought so, but let’s take the time to examine the sign closely.

Sitting on the toilet is okay. Well, I should certainly hope so! But at least we are off to a reasonable start.

No standing to pee. What?! Perhaps whoever runs the facility is getting sick of pee on the seat, but it seems a little much to ban the standing pee outright. With public toilets, you don’t want to contact the seat unless absolutely necessary, so standing ought to be allowed. That said, if you do pee on the seat for goodness sakes clean it up!

No vomiting in the toilet. Or perhaps No drinking from the toilet. In the first case it seems completely unfair to restrict people from vomiting in the toilet. Let’s face it, nobody really enjoys vomiting and if they are so ill they need to hurl into the potty, well they should be allowed to. Now the no drinking thing I’m behind 100%. Though I really question the sanity of anybody who needs a sign to remind them of this!

No squatting on the toilet. This is a reasonable rule. In some countries squat toilets are very common, but this is clearly a western toilet for which squatting is inappropriate. If you don’t want to contact the seat with your buttocks you need to place your feet on the ground and hover over the seat. A squat such as the one depicted here merely transfers germs and crap (perhaps even literal crap) from the soles of your shoes to the toilet seat.

No fishing in the toilet. I say let people fish. And if they catch any fish, I dare them to eat them!

No urinating like a dog at the urinal. Or perhaps No humping the urinal. In a curious twist, this last image appears to dictate urinal behavior and not toilet behavior. Either way you interpret the image, it seems to be speaking out against canine-based behavior, and is sound advice on both counts.

Thanks plus-k

I’m really starting to become suspicious of Bike Snob NYC. Not only is a superstar cycling blogger, but he’s also placing an increasing emphasis on bathroom etiquette in his postings (previously). Is he preparing to make his move into the fertile grounds of toilet blogging? Is he eyeing a position of power here at the ICBE?

Take his posting from this Monday for example, a treatise on urinal behavior cloaked in a veneer of cycling:

In particular, I am noticing that as the “fixerati” continue to “come into their own,” they’ve grown increasingly fond of the extremely irritating phrase “on your left.” I really should not have to hear these words if I am simply riding in a straight line and going about my business on my bicycle in the same way that I should not have to hear them when another gentleman sidles up next to me in a public restroom in order to use the neighboring urinal. In both cases, he’s got his space, I’ve got mine, and as long as we stick to that space nobody’s going to cross wheels or streams.

Luckily for all parties involved, regardless of his motivations Bike Snob NYC is dispensing sage advice. There is no need for a warning cry when you approach a urinal, and everyone should have their space. But Bike Snob NYC – I’ve got my eyes on you!

Twitter is kind of useless sometimes. And then, every once in awhile, it saves somebody’s ass – occasionally even literally.

Take the tale of naika_tei, who found himself with a poopy behind and no toilet paper in a public toilet recently. A couple of desperate tweets and poof, insane Twitter follower to the rescue.

Yeah, he could have just called the store – but those hold times can get crazy. And he could have just called out for help in what is by all accounts a very busy bathroom but, well. Yeah, he totally should have just called out for help.

via BoingBoing

In case you are the weird sort of person who does not actually read the titles of blog posts, allow me to repeat it here:

I don’t care if you are at the beach – you still don’t go to the bathroom barefoot!

Why, you may ask, am I feeling so passionate about this tidbit today? Well it just so happens that I went to the beach yesterday. (The beach with these toilets, as a matter of fact). And while I was at the beach, it just so happens that I went to the bathroom. And even though I was in my bare feet for most of the morning, I made sure to slap some shoes on before entering the bathroom.

Because bathroom floors outside of your home are gross. These in particular were soaking wet and covered in sand. The sand makes sense. And the wet makes sense too, what with the wet and sandy people going pee all day long.

But I guarantee you that was not just ocean water on the floor. There was pee – and lots of it. Let’s examine the facts:

1. People are really bad at aiming their pee
2. People don’t like to clean up after themselves
3. Because the floor was already wet with water, people totally think they can get away with not cleaning up their pee

Well listen up people – you’re not fooling me!

I don’t read Mountain Flyer magazine, but when I saw their most recent ad over at Fat Cyclist, I thought that maybe I should start.

See, I do enjoy reading on the potty, and if their ad is any indication, Mountain Flyer Magazine is particularly well suited for that medium.

Mountain Flyer: If you are listening, why don’t you send me a copy, and I’ll be sure to put it through its paces!

I just went pee in the public bathroom here at work – fascinating, I know. After finishing my business at the urinal, I headed to the sinks where I encountered an individual lurking around in a rather creepy fashion. Kind of just stalking around with a sour look on his face.

At first I was totally confused, since there was an available urinal, but it turns out he had been waiting for the one I had occupied (the other is kiddie-sized) since as soon as it auto-flushed, he headed in.

Which brings us to the topic of delay tactics.

There are any number of reasons you might need to kill some time in a bathroom – waiting for a urinal or stall to become available for example. And there are good ways and bad ways to kill this time.

Pacing around is one of the bad ways! Wash your hands. Check your teeth. Adjust your hair. Fish an imaginary eyelash out of your eye. Really, do something, anything other than just lurk around.