It has been brought to my attention several times over the past months that there is a serious need for guidance on the subject of kiddie-sized urinals. You know the ones I’m talking about, the ones that look like they were accidentally installed for an elementary school, the ones that look like they might be useful if for some reason you were to pee out of your knee. This demand resulted in several months of research and experimentation, in which my colleagues and I were able to come up with a series of questions which are useful in handling the kiddie-sized urinal situation appropriately.
Q1: Does the part of your male anatomy most crucial for peeing actually locate itself completely above the kiddie-sized urinal?
A: If yes, please refrain from using the urinal. If no, proceed to question 2.
Q2: Do you have to bend down to flush the urinal?
A: If yes, please refrain from using the urinal. If no, proceed to question 3.
Q3: Are you unable to see the urinal due to the protrusion of your stomach?
A: If yes, please refrain from using the urinal. If no, proceed to question 4. (this might be a good rule of thumb for all urinals)
Q4: Would it be more comfortable for you to use the urinal standing on your knees?
A: If yes, please refrain from using the urinal. If no, you check out ok. Go ahead and use that urinal!
Yavanna offers the following three alternative rules:
- Never pee next to a Kiddie urinal unless your child is using it.
- Attempt to leave 2 urinals between you and the Kiddie urinal so that a child and his father might use them.
- Instantly avert your eyes if a child is using the Kiddie urinal so that you don’t get beaten up.
I have to admit that these sound like pretty good rules, though in reference to #3 you should instantly be averting your eyes once you spot anybody at a urinal, not just a child.